Some days, just before Christmas.

It has been a very strange couple of months, I felt really bad for many different reasons, kind of unhealthy and unwell. I came to realize that I always hand over the achievement of my happiness to the people around me and I did not feel very proud about it. What I mean by this is that I am always waiting for someone else to make me happy, someone to do stuff I like with, almost like doing them alone would not be as much fun. Suddenly over the past days I realized that the reason I should do things is because I like them and not wait around for anyone to do stuff or feel happy. I am always waiting for people to do what I would like them to do but it does not really work that way. By building up expectations I ended up mostly disappointed on several occasions and this should have taught me better a long time ago. If I want to bake I should do it at my terms, my pace, my like. The same for all my free time. I should really learn how to give credit to myself and appreciate to be with someone that really understands me, or at least tries... me again.
I am not saying that people are useless and not worth it, on the contrary. I should appreciate sharing time with friends for what it is and not try to make it what I feel it should be to be perfect. By doing this I did a couple of more things over the past days. As soon as my head started working again without the cloudness of the painkillers, I started doing what I wanted without waiting for someone to do it with me. I know how silly some thoughts seem by the outside but this realization could have saved me so much trouble every time I asked myself: why I cannot find some friends that want to do all the thinks I like? I was here, all this time and I was never enough... maybe now it will change a little.

When all seems perfect but you still feel kind of sad...

The lost way, the new way.

I wish I could be stronger and enjoy all the steps of the way.

Mumble mumble.

thirtytwo years old

I scream.

I wish I could have a tea party and invite all the people I like, I wish they could all sit on velvety chairs and be jolly and sad like I am. I wonder what cakes I could bake, what colour the tablecloth would be, the tea cups, the ribbons , the flowers, how wonderful party it would be. I think I'd invite my grandmothers and for sure I'd invite sheeps and dogs. I wish being mad was the answer, I wish I could make myself scream.

Muunday

SSShut up!

The view.

Parenthood.

Finally Friday!

Where do you live?

viernes.

Giovedí.

...

Special place.

Three dots.

I woke up late today. I felt well rested and serene. I felt looked after and in love.
Sometimes is good to be all alone, take the time to cook a good meal for 1 and the time to eat it.
I was looking at my drawings the other day and I felt warm, it doesn't happen very often.
I have a bunch of things that I brought back from Italy and they make this home more homy.
I received a postcard and I remembered the old postcards from the early 40s in my granparents' boxes, those ones with the beautiful handwritings and the smell of dust and war.
One day my grandchildren will go through my box and look at the postcards from 2011.