It has been a very strange couple of months, I felt really bad for many different reasons, kind of unhealthy and unwell. I came to realize that I always hand over the achievement of my happiness to the people around me and I did not feel very proud about it. What I mean by this is that I am always waiting for someone else to make me happy, someone to do stuff I like with, almost like doing them alone would not be as much fun. Suddenly over the past days I realized that the reason I should do things is because I like them and not wait around for anyone to do stuff or feel happy. I am always waiting for people to do what I would like them to do but it does not really work that way. By building up expectations I ended up mostly disappointed on several occasions and this should have taught me better a long time ago. If I want to bake I should do it at my terms, my pace, my like. The same for all my free time. I should really learn how to give credit to myself and appreciate to be with someone that really understands me, or at least tries... me again.
I am not saying that people are useless and not worth it, on the contrary. I should appreciate sharing time with friends for what it is and not try to make it what I feel it should be to be perfect. By doing this I did a couple of more things over the past days. As soon as my head started working again without the cloudness of the painkillers, I started doing what I wanted without waiting for someone to do it with me. I know how silly some thoughts seem by the outside but this realization could have saved me so much trouble every time I asked myself: why I cannot find some friends that want to do all the thinks I like? I was here, all this time and I was never enough... maybe now it will change a little.
